What I think I will do is give you a sort of historical overview of my sexual feelings and experiences. (Names have been changed where nec.)
I was about 3 when I first masturbated. I vividly remember my brother showing me how - he is 18 months older than me. (Yes, I have a few memories of that far back). I know how young I was because I remember the house I was living in at the time. My family were living in a rented house whilst our permantent home was being built. We only stayed there for about 6 months, so my age estimate is quite accurate.
Neither me or my brother realised what we were doing. I didnt have any sexual encounters with my brother other than this.
The next set of memories are of the period that I was living in this house that we had built. We moved OUT of this new house before I started school, so I was younger than 5.
My experiences involved a boy(Jon) and a girl(Alison) of the same age as myself. They were both neighbours, though not from the same household.
I remember playing with Alison in her kitchen. She wet herslef by accident, so her mother pulled her knickers off and put them into the washing machine. She then went to find Alison a clean pair of knickers. Alison wasnt shy about herself - I dont think she realised what the basic difference is between boys and girls. Neither did I. But I remember staring, and thinking how nice her vulva looked. For some reason, I thought that she didnt have a penis because she was too young - she was a little bit younger than me. I thought that I used to have a vulva, and my penis had 'grown'. I didnt realise I was born with it.
Jon and I often got into bed together. We used to take our clothes off and tickle each other. I sensed that there was a link between my feelings when we did this, and my feelings when I felt the urge to masturbate. We never had a 'proper' sexual encounter though.
Now lets move on to the next set of memories. This was after I had started school. In my second year at school, at the age of 6, I remember asking two girls (Samantha and Mandy) if they wanted to see my 'willy'. They said yes, and were very enthusiastic about the idea. So, during the 'play-time' we went behind the bushes at the edge of the school playground, and I showed it to them. This was very exciting for me, and I remember having an erection. I didnt know why I had erections, and was slightly embarrassed by it whenever I had one. I remember apologising to the two delighted girls for it 'being hard'. Samantha assured me that they didnt mind it being hard. Some time later (I was still in the same year at school), the two girls decided that it was only fair that they showed me theirs. Without even warning me, they both pulled down their knickers in the playground. I really fancied Samantha, and she had a beautiful fanny!
By the time I was in my third year, I knew about the birds & bees. My parents told me because they were worried about me finding a discarded used condom lying around. I used to collect clay pipes which could be found lying around in the soil. So they had to explain sex in basic terms, and then to explain why people used condoms. I then realised how embarrassing it must have been for my father when he took me to a public toilet - 'What does that machine sell daddy, is it chocolate?' During this year, I asked another girl, Tammy, if she wanted to see my 'willy'. She said yes, and even urged me to do it after I began to get embarrassed and have second thoughts. I remember again apologising for it being erect. Although I knew about sex now, I still didnt understand why it got erect, or even that masturbation was related to sex. Tammy told me that she thoght they were much nicer when they were erect. There were other occasional 'visual' encounters with girls my own age during this period. I used to think about these encounters when I masturbated.
I also had many 'encounters' with my cousin James. He was also the same age as me. At first, we used to masturbate together. Later, we tried lying together in a sort-of missionary position, and rubbing our 'willys' together. By this time, I knew what masturbation really was. James had explained this to me. James knew quite a lot about sex, so I learned a lot from him. He even asked to do it up my bottom, but I refused. As far as I was concerned, my bottom had 'poo'(shit) up it, and I had always been taught that 'poo' was full of germs which were very bad for you. James had learned about sex from another cousin, who was a little older than us. Maybe they 'got up to things together' too, but Im not sure.
When I was 9, two of my friends (Graham and Nigel)and I, grouped-up with a pretty girl (Claire) and indulged together. We took it in turns to look at and feel Claire's fanny. I really enjoyed this. Claire used to feel us too. Graham and Nigel were jealous of me because my 'willy' would stand up much stiffer than theirs would. One day, we got caught when we were playing this game at school. Graham had put his hand down Claire's knickers, and was rubbing her. One of the teachers heard her moan, and Graham and Claire got into a lot of trouble. The rest of us were let off because we werent actually doing anything. I was really disappointed about getting caught, because I really enjoyed playing with Claire.
After this, I never had many pre-pubescant encounters, except for with my cousin. But I used to fantasise about having sex with girls. I really wanted to do it. I really liked bald fannys.
When I was 16, I used to visit a (platonic) girlfriend (Trisha). I really fancied her little sister (Sharon) who was 11. Sharon had a crush on me, and took a great deal of interest in my permanently erect (hormones!) penis. It was quite obvious when my penis was erect. Ofcourse, she didnt know that the bulge was my penis. All of the 'willys' that she had seen were small and soft. One day she sat by me and put her hand on my bulge because she wandered what it was. Her discovery just fuelled her interest. I used to fantasise about Sharon. She really turned me on - especially when she was in her school uniform. Her mother (Marie) trusted me, and was always very happy when I visited because she knew that her daughters were safe with me. I was a sensible lad, and would have known what to do if there was ever an emergency. So Marie used to go out whenever I visited. I respected her trust. So, although I really wanted to fondle Sharon, and although Sharon desparately wanted to fondle me, I refused. I could not betray her mother's trust.
I remember one evening Marie and Sharon were getting ready to go out. Trisha wasnt going, so I had called round to see Trisha. Sharon was upstairs and had just had a bath when I arrived, so she wasnt aware that I was there. Wearing just a pair of knickers, she came dancing out of her bedroom, and did a ballet-style ham-string stretch on the bannister - just as I was looking up the stairs to shout 'hello'. We both froze on the spot, me with my mouth wide open. I had a lovely view. She was absolutely gorgeous. Marie saw this happen, and it was obvious to her that I really enjoyed what I saw. She still trusted me after this though.
One day, Marie decided to enter Trisha and Sharon into a modelling competition. So Marie decided to take some photographs. Trisha was a natural, and Marie had no problems getting her to pose. But Sharon couldnt pose very well. So Marie (knowing that Sharon had a big crush on me) told her to imagine she was posing for me. Sharon's response was to pull her tee-shirt and reveal her little 'bee-sting' breasts. Marie took the picture!
After the photos had been developed, Trisha told me about what had happened, and showed me the photograph. I was delighted, and would have liked to have kept the photo for myself. But I never asked (I wish I had though!)
Also when I was 16, I gave James a blow-job. I really enjoyed this too. James had quite a small but pretty 'willy' then, which I liked.
My feelings and desires are fairly much the same now. However, I have not and would not ever hurt anyone. My girlfriend is very understanding, and knows that I am honourable and harmless. She likes to indulge me by shaving herself, and dressing like a little girl. So, most of the time I am quite content. However, whilst I never touch, I always like to make the most of things that I see (if you catch my drift). I must confess though that I often feel like a misfit, and resent my desires. I began to feel this at about the age of 15.