This document is a historical overview of my sexual and pedosexual feelings and experiences. This document is based on a more complete document I had already written, but I have removed various details (names, dates, and details that are meaningful only to me) in order to make this document appropriate for the PRD. This document was prepared in order to add to the experiences of James. At the time of writing, I am 21 years old.
Ages are in the form "2 y 4 mo" meaning 2 years and 4 months. I often give age ranges in the following descriptions which mark off the absolute maximum period in which the event could have occurred (based on where I lived, which school I was at, photographs and other reference material). I also give an estimated specific date of when the event occurred; however, I have left out the details which were used to come to those conclusions.
I remember that at some time [between 2 y 4 mo and 7 y 0 mo; probably about 3 y 6 mo], that I was outside the bathroom going to my bedroom and my father or mother (probably father) got my attention in order to show my sister (4 years older than me) the physical difference between us - my sister and I being naked at the time. My memory suggests that this was likely in response to a question that my sister had asked my father; my father took the opportunity to show both of us the differences between us. He pointed out my penis to my sister, and pointed out my sister's vulva to me. I also recall my father saying something about that I couldn't see her vagina; it would just be a tiny hole at present, and would get larger when she grew older. I wasn't particularly interested, and once it was over, just went back to whatever it was that I was going to do.
I remember my sister telling me one time [between 3 y 6 mo and 7 y 0 mo; probably about 4 y 0 mo] about how she had pinched a nappy/diaper from when I was wearing them [I wore nappies at night between 2 y 9 mo and 3 y 6 mo because I had been wetting my bed] and how she had kept the nappy for a time. I remember fantasising about having a nappy and putting it on and what it would be like, and feeling distinctly disappointed that there weren't any nappies around the house which I could pinch and use - and it was not something I was willing to mention to my father or mother. The memory is that I felt sexually aroused at the thought of using a nappy, and sexually frustrated at not being able to try it.
I distinctly remember some sexuality in my play with dolls [between 2 y 4 mo and 7 y 0 mo; probably 4 y 0 mo]. There are two dolls I remember using for sex play: one was a soft doll ("Wendy"), and the other was a male plastic doll ("Jimmie") which was anatomically correct with a penis. I remember that on a number of occasions I got a sheet of paper and with scissors and tape created nappy which I applied to the doll. I definitely remember doing this to Wendy quite a number of times, and I'm pretty certain I did this to Jimmie on a number of occasions as well. I then spanked the doll hard, saying how naughty the doll was. I distinctly remember having an erection and feeling sexually aroused when doing this. I also remember that just thinking about playing with my dolls in this way again would make me feel sexually aroused and erect again, at which point I would rush off to get a piece of paper and so on and repeat the game.
I remember that at least once [between 5 y 1 mo and 7 y 0 mo; probably 5 y 5 mo], and possibly more than once, I went into our back yard and saw one or two teenage guys standing naked in a second floor window of the house next door the looking over into our back yard. I don't recall whether it was just one guy or two, whether they were erect or masturbating, whether they were looking at me at all, and whether I was dressed (I have a suspicion that I may not have been at least one of the times). Basically my overall feeling was that their behaviour was odd and I felt they were invading our space a little - perhaps I felt a bit self-conscious just in terms of being seen when I wanted to play privately - but I had no interest in them myself, nor any self-consciousness in terms of my own nudity or otherwise. I also recall my stepmother saying to my father something about how the people next door had been looking in on our back yard while she was outside naked, and describing that she wasn't happy with this, and was wanting to not go outside nude again because of that.
I began masturbating regularly to orgasm sometime between 2 y 4 mo and 7 y 0 mo; it's unlikely to have been later than 6 y 0 mo. I would masturbate before going to sleep at night and/or after waking up in the morning. I masturbated by lying face down on my bed and rubbing my penis down the mattress; I usually slept and masturbated naked. Once this kind of masturbation began, I did it frequently frequently. I have no reference memories to tell, but I would guess that I probably masturbated like this daily. At some point I remember trying some long pyjamas that I still had from younger days, and found that they created an interestingly different sensation in my penis when I masturbated, which I enjoyed.
I remember [between 5 y 6 mo and 7 y 0 mo; probably about 6 y 6 mo] fantasising about being tied up and being spanked. While masturbating, I tried holding my hands behind my back, as if they were tied together. I also tried masturbating with arms and legs wide, as if they were tied to the four corners of the mattress. I masturbated to fantasies of being spanked while tied up.
I remember [between 5 y 6 mo and 7 y 0 mo; probably about 6 y 6 mo] having masturbation fantasies about having an elaborate machine/building outside the front of our house. What it would mean is that if any child wanted to come into our house or gardens, they would have to enter a room on the front verge. There they would have to take off all their clothes and give them to the machine, which would store them away for safekeeping. Then they would have to lie face down on some kind of conveyor belt, along which various machinery would spank the naked child, or me if it was me coming in. I remember imagining, while masturbating lying face down naked on the mattress, that I was lying on the conveyor belt being spanked. At the end of the conveyor belt the person would be inside the domain of our house and gardens, and they would have to stay naked until they went out again, when the machine would regurgitate their clothes and they could dress in that front room on the verge before going outside again. I remember fantasising about friends - real or imaginary - going through this machine. I distinctly remember masturbating to fantasies of both girls and boys; and they were my age (very young). I remember masturbating (daily) to this same fantasy, with minor modifications and embellishments, for quite some time - at least a few weeks.
I remember being on a school "camp" (overnighter?) [between 5 y 6 mo and 7 y 0 mo] and having a shower there, naked, with no self consciousness while supervised by an adult.
I remember that for a couple of weeks at school [between 5 y 6 mo and 7 y 0 mo; probably 6 y 9 mo] there was a kid who had toy handcuffs, which he was playing with, putting it on kids or himself. I most definitely remember having erections and feeling very sexually aroused by the idea, and I remember thinking about it and wanting a pair for myself - I even mentioned this to my sister at one time, though she didn't seem to know what handcuffs were. Naturally I had sexual fantasies about this as well. I never did get handcuffs of my own, but the sexual arousal just from thinking about it was quite strong.
I remember my best friend of the time over one morning (as he did on many mornings) [between 5 y 6 mo and 7 y 0 mo] and waking me up so that we could play. I remember getting up (naked) and dressing, feeling slightly self conscious about being seen naked by my friend.
There was one time [between 7 y 3 mo and 8 y 5 mo] when my father and stepmother were living together and when I was walking down the hall to the front door, I passed my father coming out of their bedroom. My father was totally naked, and probably erect though I don't explicitly remember. I took some vague extra notice of my father's penis as I went past.
There was one day at school [between 8 y 6 mo and 9 y 4 mo] when I was wearing thin cotton formless shorts and no underpants (that was normal at the time), and when I was walking out of the school building during a break, an older boy noticed that I had an erection, and pointed and laughed to his friends about it. I felt embarrassed and put down - not embarrassed that I had an erection, since I wasn't aware of what it meant, but embarrassed for having been made fun of. I just accepted erections as being normal, and I was surprised that another boy - in particular, an older boy - would find an erection funny, since he should have been familiar enough with his own erections.
There was day at school [between 8 y 6 mo and 9 y 4 mo] when a boy in my class found out that I didn't know what "sex" meant. I looked it up in my music/drama teacher's dictionary - that teacher asked me what I was looking up but I refused to tell him, since I already felt put down for not knowing the meaning of a word, and didn't want to be laughed at from him as well - and found some innocuous description talking about the difference between male and female (rather than sexual intercourse, which was clearly what the boys were talking about). I then went back to the boy and told them my new-found knowledge, but so clearly missed totally what they were meaning.
I visited that music/drama teacher at his home a few times [between 8 y 6 mo and 9 y 4 mo]. We played games, talked, and did various things together. He had a piano there. Occasionally he played on the piano a bit: playing different kinds of music to show me the difference etc. I wasn't all that interested, but not all that uninterested. On at least two occasions, one of the pieces of music he described as stripper music, explaining to me that this was music that was played when women stripped off their clothes. I wasn't particularly interested. In retrospect, I wonder whether he hoped that I would show curiosity, and he would teach me to strip off my clothes just like a stripper, while he played music to suit. But I never thought of it; I wasn't interested, and he never directly suggested it.
At age 9 y 9 mo I had the idea of attempting to take off my underpants without first taking off my shorts. While alone in my room, I tried this: reach up one leg of my shorts, grab my underpants, stretch them down my leg and pull my leg out, and then the underpants could be easily pulled down the remaining leg. I was rather titillated by the ability to do this. Having succeeded in doing this, I then put my underpants back on in the reverse way. I felt some nervousness about taking the risk of doing this when someone else might happen to come into my room just at the wrong moment, but this didn't happen.
I remember at school [between 9 y 6 mo and 10 y 4 mo], there were some boys who would lift up girls' skirts and look. Eventually there was a report during class or something that the school was aware of the behaviour and it must be stopped. I wasn't particularly interested myself: I had a mild interest and would like to look on while girls lifted their skirts, but it wasn't a particularly strong interest.
There was one occasion at school [between 9 y 6 mo and 10 y 4 mo] when I'm pretty sure I overheard one kid saying to another "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" (though I may have fantasised it), though I don't think they actually did so, or if they did they went off by themselves and naturally I didn't dare show any interest by following. But it did provide material for my fantasies about seeing kids in the trees near the edge of the school, pulling their pants down showing each other. I masturbated to this fantasy quite a number of times.
On one occasion at home [between 10 y 0 mo and 10 y 4 mo], there was only myself and my sister home. I had had many fantasies recently of tying a boy up to a tree or such, and pulling down his pants, and leaving him there. I think this fantasy was sparked from reading a children's humor book which included a verse written from the point of view of a kid who had had this done to him; there was a line which read something along the lines of "they tied me to a tree, pulled down my pants, and left me standing there". It even had a sketch accompanying the verse, showing a kid tied to a tree, his pants around his ankles, but his shirt tails modestly covering him. I was disappointed that it was drawn like that; I wanted to see his penis. I had many fantasies based on this, and masturbated frequently to such fantasies with numerous variations. Anyway, on this one evening, I went outside into the back yard and took off my clothes, and chained myself to a pole with my bicycle chain and padlock (being very careful to make sure that I could get myself out again - it would be highly embarrassing to have my sister come out and discover me standing there naked, chained to a pole, possibly still complete with erection, and have her realise what I'd done! - and quickly got myself out of it and dressed again, fearful of being discovered, but relieved and proud of getting the courage to do this daring (to me) activity.
On one occasion at home [between 10 y 0 mo and 10 y 4 mo], my father and second stepmother were still in bed on a weekend morning, and I came in and played "statues" with them, where I would move their bodies into various positions. All of us were naked at the time, though I had no special interest in them just because of that. I found it difficult to find any interesting position I could move these two reclining adults into. At one point I positioned my stepmother's legs somewhat apart, knees in the air, and she laughingly said to my father, "He's learning!". I felt made fun of, and put down, and misunderstood since I didn't have anything in particular in mind when positioning her legs. I didn't even know what it was that I was supposed to have been "learning".
I was not living at home between 10 y 6 mo and 10 y 10 mo, but instead was living elsewhere where I shared a room with two older boys (both 12-13 years old). I remember that one boy (call him Adrian) went to bed naked at least some of the time, if not always, though I was never interested. I remember one morning the other boy (call him Bill) saying to Adrian "Look at this" and me turning around as well (saying "What?" (curiosity), and seeing Bill showing Adrian his (probably erect) penis. I then said, in a (false) uninterested voice, "Oh, is that all" and turned away, but in reality would like to have looked and been interested openly, but this is the kind of thing I couldn't do: I was too concerned about what other people would think or say. I have only a vague memory that suggests that Bill was erect, but it wasn't something that was significant in my mind at the time: it was merely a penis, and whether he was erect or not was not particularly of interest to me.
While still living at the same place [between 10 y 6 mo and 10 y 10 mo] there was one time when I was walking past the bathrooms, when one of the younger boys (not Adrian or Bill) turned off the lights to the girl's bathrooms, and one of the girls came out, stark naked, unselfconsciously, irritated, and turned them back on again (the light switch was outside the bathroom around a corner). The boy was excited about seeing her naked and told his friends about what happened enthusiastically. I remember being interested, and wanting to have a good look, but again not willing to show interest, and therefore preferring to sacrifice the opportunity with only a minimal glimpse.
I remember one evening when I was living there [between 10 y 6 mo and 10 y 10 mo] that one of the boys asked one of the girls to pull her pyjamas down. She refused. The boy said that it wouldn't matter, she was wearing knickers anyway wasn't she? But she didn't do it. I was disappointed; I would have liked to see her without her pyjamas on too.
One time when I was living there [between 10 y 6 mo and 10 y 10 mo], I was having a shower when one of the other boys came in to the bathroom and looked in on me when looking for a shower. I don't know if he intentionally looked in on me in order to see me naked, or whether he truly was just looking for a free shower, unsure whether the closed door/curtain indicated it was in use or not. In any case, he said to me "Don't worry, we're all the same", and closed the door/curtain and took the next shower. I think I looked slightly surprised when he looked in on me, but I'm pretty sure I didn't show (or feel) any self consciousness. It struck me, however, that what he said was true: we are "all the same" and so we shouldn't feel self conscious about being seen naked.
One time when I was at school [between 10 y 6 mo and 10 y 10 mo], I was standing with a few friends when another boy came up and reported how there was a girl over there who had pulled her knickers down and was showing herself off. We looked over to where he had indicated, but it was too far to see anything other than some grouping of kids, and I wasn't even sure whether I was looking in the right place. None of us made any move to go over and see for ourselves - I would like to have gone, but feared getting into trouble by the school just by being there, and also of course because I wasn't willing to show that I was interested. However, I soon got an erection just from hearing the story, and tried to surreptitiously move over to where I could sit down without my erection showing in my pants (and where it would be comfortable) - knowing that I couldn't adjust the position of my penis into a comfortable (and less obvious) position without being seen to do so. One of the boys, at about this time, said something like "So who's got a stiffy?" (not directed at me, but sounding more like he was admitting that he had an erection, and was interested to know who else did) but I don't think anyone said anything in response. Lunch time was over only a few minutes later I think, and on the way to a class, I made some remark to a boy who had been with us, "Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting." but in a voice that indicated that I was pretending (which I definitely was). I didn't get any response, and felt somewhat self conscious for having shown that I was still thinking about the incident. Later, I think there was rumor that the girl had got the cane for what she had done. Fantasising (at home in bed) about this whole incident - including the caning - made me highly sexually aroused and erect.
Photos show that I started physically developing about age 10 y 6 mo. Previous photos show me very childlike, whereas a photo from my 11th birthday shows me very much entering adolescence.
I remember going for a walk by myself [between 10 y 6 mo and 11 y 4 mo] (I often went for solitary, long walks) and thinking to myself about my sexual interest in boys at school; boys who were a year or two younger than myself. I thought to myself about the way that when masturbating, I regularly had sexual fantasies about two or three boys that I saw or knew at school. I wondered whether this was normal: it seemed odd to me that I had sexual fantasies about boys younger than me, but I didn't know how normal it was; I wondered whether I was ok or whether it was something meant that I was strange and in need of help. I didn't know and had no way of finding out.
I remember one time [between 10 y 10 mo and 11 y 4 mo] when my sister and I went out for a walk together, probably on a weekend or during school holidays, as we did from time to time, and we went through the grounds of my school. I remember that at one point I started climbing up a ladder on some playground equipment, and as I started to go up the ladder, my sister pulled the back of my pants down from behind to expose my bottom. I looked back at her, surprised at her unexpected action, but didn't say anything and she let go so I just resumed what I was doing, not knowing what else to do. Being unexpected, the action was slightly resented, but I didn't feel badly to her about the action as such.
I remember that on a number of occasions at home [between 10 y 10 mo and 12 y 2 mo; probably about 11 y 6 mo] when my sister and I were watching television, I would be sitting in an armchair and would surreptitiously pull the back of my pants down such that I was sitting on my bare bottom, but so that I was still covered at the front. I enjoyed the feel of my bare bottom on the chair, and the daringness of the sexual action. I never saw any response from my sister that she knew what I was doing, but pretty certainly she did, though she would have not tried to show it.
I recall that I masturbated regularly at home [between 10 y 10 mo and 12 y 2 mo] in bed, using the same technique as always. I remember that because my bedroom (where we were living at the time) didn't have a door to dampen any noise I made, I felt somewhat self-conscious about masturbating, because it was more likely that I would be heard, although I tried to be quiet.
I had a friend at school [between 10 y 10 mo and 11 y 4 mo] whose surname was Bate. It occurred to me one day, when I was out for a walk by myself, that if you called him using the old-fashioned title "master" (since he was too young to be called "mister") then you end up with "Master Bate", which sounds like "masturbate". I never mentioned my realisation to anyone, but I was titillated by the idea. It does, however, show that I knew of the word "masturbate", and knew what it meant at that age. I don't know where I would have learned the word, since I don't remember getting any sexuality education until grade 7, and since I never talked about masturbation to anyone - friends or parents.
I remember that when I was at school [between 10 y 10 mo and 11 y 4 mo], I used to be interested in watching the girls who played on the playground equipment, because when they hung upside down I could see their underwear, which was interesting for me. As usual, I was unwilling to be seen to be interested, so I would never go very close, but I would watch them from a distance while apparently walking around the place.
I estimate that I started ejaculating at about age 11 y 0 mo, although it could have been as late as 12 y 0 mo. I do recall that I felt intensely disappointed when I started ejaculating at orgasm to discover that I could no longer have multiple orgasms, and to realise that this would be the case for the rest of my life. Before I started ejaculating, I used to enjoy masturbating for long periods of time: in excess of half an hour continuously, having orgasms during that time. Now, I would masturbate for only a few minutes or less, have an orgasm, and that would be it.
I remember that for a while, I was very interested in seeing my sister naked, but as usual, didn't want to be found out. I remember on a number of nights [somewhere between 10 y 10 mo and 12 y 2 mo], sneaking up to the bathroom door when she was inside having a shower, and looking through the keyhole, hoping to see something either directly or in the mirror (the shower didn't have a shower curtain). It took a lot of courage to just sneak up and look, trying not to be heard, fearing being found out, etc. I never did get to see anything, but one night I got a fright when suddenly there was my sister looking out through the keyhole back at me. I immediately went away; neither of us said anything then or any other time about this. Over quite a number of days, I thought how I wanted to just boldly open the door and go in. I eventually decided on a pretext for this: I would open the door, go in, put some dirty clothes into the family dirty clothes basket in the bathroom, and hopefully get a good look at my sister in the shower while doing this. I desperately wanted to do this, but my heart would beat so fast and hard, and I was so tense and anxious that I couldn't get the courage to do it. And then one day I did. With heart beating fast, I boldly opened the door, walked in carrying some dirty clothes, looked to my right into the shower, and was disappointed to discover my sister with her back to me and so I got to see almost nothing, but I carried on, put my clothes in the basket, and went out closing the door behind me. After all that courage and many many days trying to get over nervousness to do it, I didn't manage to see anything good. I knew I would never be able to do it again.
I remember an incident when we started swimming lessons at school [11 y 3 mo]. The school didn't have their own swimming pool; we got taken in a school bus to the public swimming pools. On the very first day that we had swimming, I got changed outside our classroom - apparently with little self consciousness. I didn't know that kids got changed only once they got to the public pools; I don't know how it is that I didn't notice that no one else was getting changed. It was a little embarrassing after swimming lessons finished that day when everyone was getting changed back into their clothes, and I had to stay where I was, dressed only in bathers, and get changed when I got back to school. It seems strange that I didn't have any interest in seeing others getting changed, or feel particularly self conscious at the time of changing in full view of anyone.
I remember that when I was at home [between 11 y 6 mo and 12 y 2 mo] that I sometimes went into the back garden at night after going to bed, fully naked (or wearing shorts only until I got outside). It was titillating to be outside totally naked. One time I tried defecating into the flower garden - I wanted to try doing it standing up, but couldn't. On quite a number of nights, I went outside the back gate (we were on a corner block), naked, and tried going around the outside of the fence until I got around to the front garden, where I would be "safe" again. I tried this a number of times, initially going only a couple of steps before turning back and giving up from being too nervous. On later nights, when my confidence improved, I managed to go half way around. I think part of the problem was that the first half was relatively dark compared to the rest of the way, and I was frightened of being seen naked. I think part of my goal was that I walk at a normal, sedate rate, and not simply run around. I don't think I ever got enough courage to go right around, but it was titillating to try. It also is an example of my trying to get the courage to do something vaguely sexual: these kind of incidents happened quite a number of times, and I was just so embarrassed and so self conscious about doing anything. These days it's hard for me to understand why I found it so difficult to be outside, naked, for all of the fifteen seconds it might take me to walk around our fence - and who cares if someone saw me?
For a time at home [between 11 y 6 mo and 12 y 2 mo], we had a man sharing with us, renting the room at the back of the house. One evening I came into the lounge when my father and the man were in there, watching television. They were just discussing what to watch, and when my father said that one of the movies was about a prostitute, the man said that that sounded good. I asked my father what a prostitute was, and he told me that it was a woman who men paid to have sex with. My father told me this in his usual open style, as he used with all things sexual or otherwise, and I accepted it for the same reason.
There was a younger boy (probably one but maybe two years younger) who lived on the other side of the road to us [between 10 y 10 mo and 11 y 8 mo]. He spent a fair bit of time with me, coming over to visit frequently. One of the games he used to play when at my place was to rush off to the automatic reticulation system controls and turn on the sprinklers, and I would rush off to catch him and stop him. Initially, I didn't realise that it was a game for him: I didn't want him turning on the sprinklers and I would physically stop him. Later I realised that it was just a game: he wasn't interested in turning on the sprinklers, but rather was just interested in playing the game, and having me chase him. I remember fantasising about pulling his pants down, and I wanted to somehow do this in reality without him knowing that that was what I was wanting to do. I planned how I could chase him to the reticulation system controls, and catch him by holding on to the top of his pants from behind, and then "trip" and fall over, pulling his pants down in the process. However, the one time I tried doing this, I found that catching him by his pants was not easy to do (it's a lot easier to grab his shirt) and that there was no way I'd be able to pull off this stunt in any way that appeared natural. Naturally I fantasised to this many times while masturbating too.
When on a school camp at age 11 y 8 mo, my diary entries say: "After dinner we played games in the Rec hall until 10 pm when we went to sleep. The boys in the dorms, except for X, myself and X from the other school, talked about girls all night ('Who's your girlfriend? Aw, come on, who? Mine's X.' I got to sleep at 12.30 am." And the next morning: "At 7 am we all got up and dressed ourselves. There was still the stupid talk about the girls - I do not quite know why they are so thrilled by them. I can guess what the girls would be talking about."
I started getting acne (pimples) at age 11 y 8 mo.
When preparing to go to a school camp at age 12 y 3 mo, I felt self conscious about my very thick, dark pubic hair. I feared that if anyone saw it on camp, they'd make fun of me, so I used scissors to cut most of it off. I knew I couldn't shave it totally off in any convincing way; I just made it shorter and less thick.
At school [between 11 y 6 mo and 12 y 4 mo] I felt strong emotional needs to have physical contact and affection with two of my (male) friends at school, and I spent a fair bit of time developing relationships with these friends.
At about 12 y 0 mo, I had my first formal sexuality education at school. I remember one thing taught was to retract your foreskin when having a shower to let some of the build up wash away - this was new to me. [In this part of the world, circumcision was uncommon.] This is something my (uncircumcised) father hadn't taught, because he hadn't been taught either - he only found out a year or two later when he saw a doctor about a penile infection he had.
One time at home [at some time between 12 y 2 mo and 12 y 9 mo], I discovered my father's porno magazines. I looked through some of them and found them very arousing. They were foreign magazines (they weren't in English), and from memory I believe they were primarily of nude females, usually not explicitly sexual. I would sometimes just take off all my clothes and look through a magazine, and promptly get a massive, very hard erection. Despite that these magazines were readily at hand and I had opportunity to look at them whenever I liked, I think I rarely took the opportunity.
One time [between 12 y 2 mo and 12 y 9 mo; almost certainly before 12 y 5 mo] my best friend (male; call him Charlie) slept at my place. He dared me to "say 'ejaculate' three times" which I promptly did without discomfort, but with a tone of voice that declared that I thought it was silly. At one point I said to him that we could look at pornographic magazines if we wanted, and pulled one of my father's magazines out and showed it to him. He looked at it briefly before I took it back and put it away, and he made some sort of comment that he was surprised that the models were totally naked, rather than just partially undressed as he had expected (which might be more common for locally produced magazines)
I started growing dark facial hair and began shaving at age 12 y 8 mo.
One evening at home [between 11 y 6 mo and 12 y 9 mo; probably after 12 y 6 mo] when my sister was out and my father had just left, and I took the opportunity I had been waiting for: alone in the house, I went into my sister's bedroom and took off my pants and underwear and put on her green bloomers (sports briefs) - while having a big erection already - and one of her green pleated sports skirts, and felt what it was like, lifted up my skirt, and looked up my skirt when my leg was up and stuff. Then I heard my father's car start (it had a very distinctive sound) and I saw through the window that a car's headlights come on and suddenly I realised that my father might not have actually gone yet - and as the curtains to my sister's room weren't closed, he might have seen everything I had done! I quickly exited the room until the car had driven away. I never found out whether he had seen anything, but the thought that he might have was most embarrassing.
When I had swimming lessons at school [12 y 6 mo] I remember noticing a (also very physically developed) friend wearing "Speedo" underwear-style bathers, noticing his large (though not erect) penis sitting heavily to one side. Boys were usually fairly self-conscious about wearing "Speedo" style bathers, preferring less revealing "board shorts". I also remember being in the change rooms wanting to see other boys - particularly Charlie - naked. I did get to see Charlie naked one time but from some distance, and I noticed that he appeared to be circumcised; unusual around here.
I remember cycling home from school [between 12 y 6 mo and 12 y 9 mo], with Charlie cycling with me, and noticing him staring at my crotch. I looked down and saw that my zip was not zipped; I calmly zipped it up but never said anything. Nor did I have any thoughts of taking advantage of his obvious interest.
At school [12 y 6 mo to 12 y 9 mo], I was what I might now call a "boy watcher". I was desperate for close friendships with boys of my age: I would wander around the school during all the breaks looking for kids I knew, or had seen before but didn't know, just to watch them. I also tried making some friendships with boys in my class, in a rather intense way.
At (the next) school, for all the time that I was there [12 y 9 mo to 17 y 4 mo], I continued to be a boy watcher, constantly wandering around the school, watching kids, looking for kids to watch, and occasionally making friendships.
On one camp I went on with the people I lived with [at 12 y 10 mo], the boys were sleeping in one room that could only be accessed by going through the girls' room. There was one night when I was about to get changed for bed. I went to the door and locked the door, and went to my bed to get changed. The only other boy in the room at the time went to the door and unlocked it. I was puzzled but didn't protest, and started removing my clothes. At one point, he coughed in a way which was obviously a signal to the girls, who then came in to see me standing with nothing but my underwear from waist down (and this was when I had only extremely loose fitting underwear: my hairy scrotum was clearly visible at the side of my underwear). I wasn't embarrassed, but felt it was improper and covered myself up.
By age 13 y 6 mo I had some chest hair, though at that time still fairly thin.
For [13 y 9 mo until 14 y 4 mo] I was living with another family, sharing a room with a prepubescent boy ("David") the same age as me. I really desired to see David naked; I would try to get him to change clothes in the room where I could see rather than going to a different room, or hiding behind something. It took a lot of courage from me to speak up to ask him to not feel embarrassed and change in front of me. I never could get the courage to change in front of him, though; I didn't realise at that time that "showing by example" might have been by far the most effective method of getting what I wanted. On one day David was changing in the room, after persuasion on previous days by me to stay in the room rather than changing in the bathroom, but he stayed hidden behind his desk where I couldn't see him. I managed to get the courage to say that he shouldn't feel embarrassed; to encourage him to step forward and let me see him. He did so, reluctantly, and I did see him naked from a distance, and I praised it. It was really rather bad of me to ask these things, and not to at least make him feel comfortable by practising what I preached, but I couldn't get over my own anxieties, and he never asked (if he had I would have done what he wanted). During the nights I used to wake up and try to carefully look under the sheets of David's bed to see what he was wearing and whether I could see his penis. He didn't sleep that heavily, and I never knew whether he was half awake or about to wake if I tried anything, or whether I was really quite safe. Generally whenever I touched him or moved any blankets he would feel and move in his sleep; that put me off. I wanted to be able to just pull some sheets aside, roll him over if necessary, and pull down his pants. I could never get the courage since I feared that he might wake and catch me doing it; and it wasn't helped by his feeling and reacting to even the smallest movements. Usually he wore close-fitting underpants only, and I would try to pull them down slightly to see his penis, but his underpants were tight enough that I couldn't move them at all without him feeling and reacting a little, although I don't know if he ever awoke and knew what was happening. On one night I was very excited to discover that he was totally naked, and lying on his back, his tiny uncircumcised penis fully in view. I wanted to rub it and make him get an erection. That posed a problem: although I had been masturbating for many years, I didn't know exactly where to rub (I had always masturbated by rubbing my entire penis on the mattress, and I had not tried to stimulate myself with my hand). So I tried rubbing the bottom of the shaft of his penis, around his scrotum, but didn't have an immediate effect, and I got too scared that he might wake and catch me. I still don't know whether he was ever awake enough to know what I tried to do; he was too submissive and quiet to have said anything if he did. To this day he may not know what I tried to do on many nights while he was asleep, but maybe he does.
About this time [between 13 y 9 mo and 14 y 4 mo] I came across a computer game which showed guys masturbating by sitting naked, holding their erections with one hand and rubbing up and down. Although I recognised this as a technique of masturbation, this was the first time I really thought about any technique other than my own. One morning, I waited until the others had left for school/work, and I took off all my clothes, sat on my bed, and tried to masturbate using this technique. I found it hard going: I eventually ejaculated, but not until after a very long time, and I found that it wasn't as enjoyable as my normal technique, though I recognised that it could just be because I was used to a different technique. Although I tried this technique very occasionally, I never enjoyed it much.
There was one time after school [between 13 y 9 mo and 14 y 4 mo] when David's sister (one year older than David and I) and David were sitting on a sofa facing each other, and they ended up playing some kind of footsies. From David's perspective, he could clearly see up his sister's skirt to see her white underwear, as could I, though as usual I didn't want to look too much for fear of being noticed. David didn't seem to be aware of the situation at all.
There was one occasion when the whole family (David, his sister and his mother) were all in David's sister's room, and she was wearing only knickers and bra. I came in, under the pretence of being sociable, but in reality in order to see her in her underwear.
When living with another family [between 14 y 4 mo and 14 y 6 mo] there was one occasion when everyone was out, and I took the opportunity strip naked and go to their pool. I sat on the edge of the pool and masturbated with my hand to orgasm, and cleaned off afterwards by swimming in the pool. After doing this, the concept that the woman who lived there might swim in the pool and get pregnant from my semen frightened me emotionally, even though intellectually I knew it couldn't happen.
At school [could have been anywhere within 12 y 9 mo and 15 y 4 mo, but was most likely about 14 y 5 mo] that I remember being very interested in looking at other boys in the change rooms. In particular, one of the boys from some of my classes was very attractive to me: he wore close fitting underwear which looked really good, and he looked really attractive when wearing only his underwear. I would go to some effort to watch him change, and I also tried to watch other kids get changed, but naturally my behaviour was very heavily modified by my desire to not be seen to be looking.
When living at [yet another place; this one was between 14 y 6 mo and 15 y 4 mo] I masturbated regularly in bed, staining my sheets and underwear. I was somewhat self conscious of what the cleaner (who also did the laundry) would think of my underwear with dried semen on it, but nothing was ever said, and I decided that she should be mature enough to know and understand anyway.
During the period [12 y 6 mo to 15 y 0 mo] I had almost no contact at all with young children (ie children younger than 12). After 15 y 0 mo, I found myself having a strong interest (sexual and non-sexual) in young children (in addition to my existing sexual and non-sexual interest of children over 12 years old).
At age 15 y 5 mo I had a very strong emotional interest in children (I had contact with 6-9 year olds at the time). I was extremely affectionate towards the kids around me, I would hug them and hold them and touch their shoulders. I felt really good to receive the love and affection that children can give, and so I gave a lot of affection in order to receive a lot, which I really needed since I felt that otherwise in my life I didn't have any love or affection.
One morning [15 y 5 mo] I went into a room where two boys (6-9 year olds) slept and discovered them totally naked and prancing around. I closed the door and watched them, aroused. I was discovered watching them by another adult male, but managed to ward off suspicion.
I had more than one dream which I wrote down [15 y 5 mo] (I have been recording my dreams on and off for years) of a girl at school (my age) who was very popular generally, and I certainly liked her too, though didn't doubt that there were more interesting boys that me for her. I didn't have any sexual desires for her, but I did want to be her friend, and to be able to hug and be affectionate. It wasn't to be, but I would have loved a friendship with her as much as I loved the friendships I had with younger kids.
During [14 y 6 mo to 15 y 4 mo], I enjoyed the occasions when the house parent's young grandchildren (under 7 years old) stayed with us, since I got to see them naked after baths and so on. I so much wanted to stare at the boys, or be with them during their bath, but as always, didn't want to be caught doing so. Or for the boy to sleep with me in my bed rather than sleeping in a separate room. One time I asked the boy (about 7 years old) whether he ever played with his penis, but he said no. I think he picked up on my extreme anxiety about asking the question (it took a hell of a lot of courage, and I was very nervous); he would have answered No whatever the truth was, and so I had no idea of what the truth was.
I started becoming heavily involved [15 y 6 mo] with the students at school three years younger than me. I got to know that year group very well. I spent enormous amounts of time with them rather than my own year group; however I was only interested in the boys. I loved being with them. Although all of my interactions with them were totally non-sexual, I regularly had sexual fantasies and dreams involving them.
I was puzzled at the time [16 y 0 mo] about why it was that I enjoyed the company of only the boys three years younger, whereas I didn't care about the sex the friends the same age as me. The best reason I could think of was that my schooling up until age 13 had been very sexist: school taught that it was wrong for boys and girls to mix together, and so I still reacted the same way with kids who were still 13. Not the most convincing argument, but the best I could come up with.
At age 16 y 4 mo, the female house-parent I was living with at the time revealed her homosexuality, and we discussed some issues at length. This was the first time I thought about homosexuality, and my own sexuality, in any depth.
At age 16 y 5 mo, I read a book about pedophilia and it occurred to me for the first time that I likely was one, though I also kept in mind "student's disease" of seeing in myself the symptoms of a disease that I'm reading about.
At age 16 y 7 mo, I told my best friend ("Edward") about being a pedophile. He reacted badly, saying "Why did you tell me?" in a way that indicated that he didn't want to know. I felt put down; clearly I wanted to be able to talk about it with him; he was the only person I trusted enough to tell, and he refused to listen. I considered seeing a psychologist, but never got the courage.
I continued [16 y 6 mo to 17 y 4 mo] having a heavy interest in children of all ages from 6 to 14. I still spent more time with my "substitute year group" three years younger than me rather than my own year group at school. My actual interactions with children were fairly non-sexual, but masturbation fantasies were heavily sexual, and always were about children only.
I spent a lot of time [17 y 5 mo to 18 y 4 mo] thinking about my sexuality; concerned whether I was homosexual or a pedophile or what; and whether I should see a sex counsellor - which I never did. A dream [17 y 7 mo] describes that at that time, I considered myself to be homosexual.
That brings me to age 18, which is the legal age here of being an adult. Naturally my sexual development doesn't end here, but that's it for my childhood sexual development.
Note that there is no mention above of my having had vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, or oral intercourse because I never did: I was still a virgin by 18. I had never touched a girl's breasts or vulva. I had only once touched another boy's penis; that was "David" as described above. I had never seen any other person masturbate.