Testimony: Non-expressed childhood sexuality

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Man-Girl | Man-Boy | Woman-Minor Minor-initiated | Among minors Nonphysical childhood sexuality Adult attraction to minors
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• Two loves that dare not speak their names by Brian Dyer in Inquisition 21, March 17, 2008.
  • "College Callgirl" on her over-protective upbringing and sexual fascination with being "molested": “Knowing where I ended up, people often want to know if I was molested as a child. I wasn't, but not for lack of trying [...] [I] quivered with anticipation when alone with an adult, breathlessly wishing and completely terrified that they would cross the line. I fantasized about someone taking advantage of me because it was the only kind of sex I could imagine being able to engage in without feeling guilty [...] My entire childhood felt like watching a pervert jerk off through the library window – me, cocooned in a place of safety and learning, looking out at the dirty, visceral realities of life, intrigued but unable to connect.”
  • Foo in comments: “Even though I was raised in a secular way and abstinence propaganda is not an issue where I live, I had the same fantasies as you did growing up. Older people using me was a constant turn on [...] As a 14 year old [boy], I tried to prostitute myself to older men to get some ‘abusive’ action, even though I'm not gay. While ease of finding customers was one reason, the fact that it was the wrong gender for me made it even more titillating. The plan fell through for various reasons, chiefly because I was scared of anybody I knew finding out. Another problem was that I could not find any good facts about whether a condom should be used also for fellatio. Now, more than ten years later, I regret that I never fulfilled my plans.”

• Marthijn Uittenbogaard in "Out of the Closet #2", OK magazine, June 18 2003.

  He was attracted to men as a child. "There were no sex games between the two of us, but I did (of course) fantasize about sex. In my fantasies there were boys of my own age (not my school friend though), and a girl that looks boyish (to me now, in an old school photo). I also fantasized about sex with grown-up men. What sex meant, I didn't precisely know, but growing up, the picture became more and more coloured. I hoped for a contact with a nice man, but his looks were not of much importance. What I wanted was to give him sexual pleasure. Sex is an interaction; you can also get pleasure when you give pleasure to your partner. It was a pity that I never met a 'sexual predator'."

• Sharona in "My Virgin Mind", Scarlet Letters.

  The fantasies of an 11 year old girl. "I came into extreme, insistent sexual awareness at eleven [...] Teenage girls, especially young teens, in this society, are told that their sexual desire simply doesn't exist. [...] I remember my fury, starting at twelve and continuing until the end of high school, every time this piece of drivel was trotted out. I wasn't even thinking about having sex with anyone I knew, but I did want sex. I wanted a lot of sex, and I wanted it right then."

• Elton John (musician) in an interview by Neil Tennant in January 1998.

  "At school everyone boasted about sex. Meanwhile I was dying to be molested by someone. When I went to therapy, my therapist said, "I have to ask you if you were molested." And I said, "No, actually." But I was dying to be molested by someone - just to teach me, just to find out, you know?"

• An 11-year-old French boy, quoted in: Brongersma, Edward (1979). "Boy-Caught", PAN, Vol. 1 No. 3, p. 26.

  The diaries of a young boy who was in love with a man are quoted from Leonid Kameneff's book Ecoliers sans tablier. It is not clear whether the love was sexually expressed. "In the dormitory last night - I imagined you are there. It is like this - I close my eyes and I embrace you. I caress your body all over. I love you. You do the same things to me. ... And then I fall asleep, so happy! [...] I love him. I want to prove to him all the love I feel for him. The best way I can do that is with my body. I want to make both of us weep for joy. [...] You taught me the meaning of love. I might never have known it without you. [...] You introduced me to paradise. Every Saturday I go to paradise. With you I am happy; with you I live. [...] I have never before felt so free."

• Dana M. Northcraft (2004) in "A Nation Scared: Children, Sex, and the Denial of Humanity", American University Journal of Gender, Social. Policy & the Law, 12(3), pp. 483-518

  "I was five when I had my first orgasm. I recall having conversations with friends when I was no older than ten about that infamous "first time" we were eagerly anticipating."

• Anarchist Emma Goldman in her autobiography, Living My Life, chapter 2

  "The first erotic sensations I remember had come to me when I was about six. [...] Among the stable help there was a young peasant, Petrushka, who served as shepherd, looking after our cows and sheep. Often he would take me with him to the meadows, and I would listen to the sweet tones of his flute. In the evening he would carry me back home on his shoulders, I sitting astride. He would play horse --- run as fast as his legs could carry him, then suddenly throw me up in the air, catch me in his arms, and press me to him. It used to give me a peculiar sensation, fill me with exultation, followed by blissful release.

  I became inseparable from Petrushka. I grew so fond of him that I began stealing cake and fruit from Mother's pantry for him. To be with Petrushka out in the fields, to listen to his music, to ride on his shoulders, became the obsession of my waking and sleeping hours. One day Father had an altercation with Petrushka, and the boy was sent away. The loss of him was one of the greatest tragedies of in child-life. For weeks afterwards I kept on dreaming of Petrushka, the meadows, the music, and reliving the joy and ecstasy of our play. One morning I felt myself torn out of sleep. Mother was bending over me, tightly holding my right hand. In an angry voice she cried: "If ever I find your hand again like that, I'll whip you, you naughty child!""

• Claudia Card in "What's Wrong with Adult-Child Sex?", Journal of Social Philosophy, 33(2), p. 173

  "Since I was much younger than ten, I was “in love with” particular others (adults, peers) whom I wished passionately to see and caress naked, and I fantasized their wanting to do the same with me."

• Various interviewees, quoted in: Martinson, Floyd (1973). Infant and Child Sexuality: A Sociological Perspective.

• "The first time I can recall having a sexually pleasing sensation was when I was around three or four. I remember feeling very proud of what I had learned (how to masturbate) and the strange sensation it aroused. I can remember there was physical pleasure to be derived from fondling my genitals. Such fondling had no heterosexual overtones; the mere physical satisfaction was enough to develop this practice into a habit."

• "At about the age seven, or so, I first began to masturbate. I am not sure how I came upon this discovery. I believe it may have been when, feeling a need to urinate, I began fingering the genital area and found it to produce a very pleasurable sensation."

• "Kindergarten was curiously arousing in that I (a boy) enjoyed sleeping next to girls on their mats during rest periods. In the second grade I seemed to have been popular among the girls. During recess, I would tell all the girls that wanted to kiss me to line up, and would then proceed to kiss each one in turn, giving those two or three that I preferred most a kiss on the lips."

• "I (a boy) first masturbated at the age of seven, as far as I can remember. I had no idea of what I was doing or what it meant, but the feeling was terrific. In view of the fact that masturbation was so enjoyable, it served to make time pass rapidly. Therefore, before the crushing boredom of a second grade classroom would grip me, I would swing my legs under my desk in a fashion which would end in an orgasm."

• [Boy, age 6]: "The experience of sexual arousal as a child is one of my sexual experiences. Whenever my girl friends and I would look at books while playing, I would always choose the book Little Black Sambo. The picture I am referring to is that of the tiger chasing Sambo around the tree as he is melting into butter. The tiger has previously taken all of Sambo's clothes. The sight of the nude little boy's rear end is what excited me.... I would stare at the picture for quite some time getting a funny feeling the whole time.... My body would tingle all over and my stomach would seem to have butterflies inside of it. I loved this new feeling and wanted to experience it over and over again."

• "In the garage three, four, and five year olds were starting to explore each other's genitalia, but I (a girl) felt so embarrassed that I sought an escape in being the door guard in case anyone came in. Guilt surrounded the whole escapade both during and after. But somehow I never ventured far enough away so that I could not observe the "action." Afterwards I tried to face my mother but I felt so terrible that I started crying and told her about our experience, whereupon she consoled me and assured me that I did right in not participating and saying how bad my cousin and friend were. My first ordeal was over for me, but the other two received lectures from their parents after being informed by my mother. Still, a curiosity lingered and during the next seven years or so I remember masturbating and fantasizing, but only quietly (secretly) and in bed."

• "I do remember having erections when I was seven or eight years old. All I really noticed about them was that they occurred when I thought about a young girl I felt romantically inclined toward. Also, they made it very difficult to roll over in bed. I never knew the purpose of the arousal, but I was aroused."

• "Visual stimulation, from magazine pictures or television, began to occur frequently at age six. This period, lasting from age six to twelve, was one of predominant homosexual stimulation. A marked period of homosexual responses, to both visual and mental imagery, is a major part of my early childhood. Beyond the age of twelve, when I entered the seventh grade, homosexual response declined while heterosexual stimulation increased."

• "I was about four years old at the time, and had recently discovered masturbation. I was found one day by my mother as she looked in at me during my usual afternoon nap. I was lying naked on the bed in the process of stimulation. I was not physically punished but did receive a few harsh words that inspired some degree of guilt in me. I have continued masturbation. Masturbation was a substantial part of my early life."

• "Coming home from play one day I (about nine years old) happened upon my sister (about eight) in the basement of our home on the sofa, manipulating herself through her clothes. She showed me how to add pressure to the sides of my labia to gain a 'funny feeling.' At first I felt no satisfaction in it, but after a month of practice and experimenting, I obtained my first orgasm.... I am very grateful to my sister for introducing masturbation to me."

• Noah Michelson (2013) in "Pages From the Penis Book: My (Possibly Shocking) Sexual Life as a Gay Child", Boys, An Anthology, Thought Catalog.

  "What else could explain why, from the day I was born, all I've ever been able to think about is having sex with men? [...] My mother claims that once, at a large family function, probably a birthday party or a breakfast celebrating some vaguely Christian holiday, she saw me happily masturbating. I was only 3 years old [...]

  I have always been boy-crazy. Always. I would spend hours fantasizing about the father shaving in my Pat the Bunny book, wishing I could rub my hand over more than just his sandpaper stubble. And every time Mr. Rogers came on television, I would pray that this time he would change out of more than just his shoes and cardigan and finally reveal himself to me fully.

  When I was 4 or 5, I fell in love with our garbage man. All I really remember about him now is that he had a porn star mustache and never wore sleeves during our hot Midwestern summers. One day, determined to finally take matters into my own hands, I snuck outside when I heard his truck coming down the street and, wearing nothing but my underwear, performed a burlesque-esque dance for him in our front yard. [...]

  I'm not sure if I ever fully wanted to be a girl. Aside from being interested in more typically feminine activities, I realize now that part of the reason that I identified with women was that, as far as I knew as a little boy in small-town Wisconsin, men did not have sex with men. There were no gay men there (and if there were, they were forced to take their pick between being closeted and miserable or just plain miserable). So if I wanted to be with a man -- and boy, did I ever -- I needed to be a woman. [...] My secret was out: I loved men. I lusted after them. Men in garbage trucks. Men in grocery stores. Men in puffy-sleeve pirate shirts. And I wanted them to do wonderful and terrible things to me."

• French novelist Gustave Flaubert (age 14) circa 1835, quoted in Germaine Greer, The Beautiful Boy (London: Thames and Hudson, 2003), p. 74.

  "By his own account Gustave Flaubert was six months shy of his fifteenth birthday when he went on holiday with his family to Trouville and fell in love. In a memoir written when he was sixteen, he recalled the way he stalked a woman he saw on the beach:

  I gazed at her from afar underneath the water, I envied the soft, peaceful waves lapping against her sides and covering with foam that heaving breast, I could see the outline of her limbs beneath the wet clothes enwrapping her, I could see her heart beating, her breast swelling, I mechanically contemplated her foot placing itself on the sand, and my gaze remained fixed to the trace of her steps and I could almost have wept at the sight of the waves washing them slowly away.

  And then when she came back and passed by me, and I heard the water dripping from her clothes and the swish of her walk, my heart beat violently, I lowered my eyes, blood rushed to my head — I was suffocating — I could feel that woman's half-naked body passing by me with the odour of the waves. Even deaf and blind, I could have guessed at her presence, for there was within me something intimate and tender which was submerged in ecstasy and graceful imaginings, whenever she passed by like that."