Essay:Michael Jackson: Secrets

Michael Jackson: Secrets

22/04/23 ◆ Zedlove

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I did something a couple days ago I’ve been avoiding for about 4 years. Simply put, I felt it was time I finished hiding from something that portrays the most famous MAP in the modern era, which is the Leaving Neverland documentary on Michael Jackson’s sexual relationships with James Safechuck and Wade Robson.

It’s obvious to me why I avoided this documentary for so long. When it first came out, I was much less comfortable with my own budding feelings of being a MAP, and confronting a documentary that tackles my exact attraction (boy love) head on felt too painful. Even seeing the articles and video related to Leaving Neverland years on still make me anxious. At the time, I put a filter on Facebook to block all posts related to it.

I think it was multifaceted. I avoided it not only as a MAP, but also as a kid who has sex with an adult at 7. I questioned, would the film change my perception, or worse, encourage self-hatred? Finally, I convinced myself to watch the film because of the men's supposed graphic descriptions of the sex they had. I thought, at least, I would get that out of it.

Well, to answer the question, after watching Leaving Neverland yesterday, I’ve been a nervous wreck for the past 24 hours. The movie brought up past anxieties in ways I didn’t expect, especially relating to how secrets eat us alive. Looking at the "Man in the Mirror" in the film, I see myself staring back in many ways.

It’s important to note that both Wade and James enjoyed the sex they had with Michael. They reiterated that he was gentle, and they never felt it was odd or unusual. At one point in the documentary, James Safechuck discusses how Michael bought wedding rings for the pair to become married to each other. It really felt like there was true, radiating love in both instances. In many ways, their stories mirror the takeaways of Susan Clancy’s The Trauma Myth, which stated that trauma and feelings of same generally manifest later in life from sex as a child.

So, where did things go wrong for James and Wade? I think there are a few key points:

• Michael Jackson replacing them with other boys, and them feeling alone as a result.
• He pressured them to testify on his behalf in his two trials, which they did the first time. The second time, one of the men didn’t, and Michael got really mean and nasty towards them.
• I think the biggest one was the secrecy. The feelings of anxiety and depression seemed to bottle up in them from having to lie and keep all these secrets. Obviously, if these were accepted relationships, this would not be an aspect.
• Both seemed to have some kind of breakdown when their sons were born, commenting that they would “kill” anyone who did that to their sons at their age, but they didn’t feel the same way about the experience they had as kids as it felt like love to them. Kind of parental instincts kicking in I guess?

So, overall, tossed boys aside after about 12 months (not even due to puberty or aging, it seems), and lied about the idea that the boys could also be imprisoned. These things are not great, and the first was obviously done for selfish reasons on Michael's behalf, and the second was for self-preservation. That being said, the secrecy, which seemed to truly be traumatic for the men, was caused by societal pressure. Both men expressed that they loved Michael, so they chose to lie for him at both the 1993 civil proceedings and the 2005 FBI-backed trial. It seemed to deeply hurt them to keep these secrets. I think we can relate to this.

As MAPs, we have to keep a lot of secrets. There are few people in our real life that we can openly talk about our attraction with. These feelings bottle up, and erode our personal lives and our ability to connect with people. I've felt it first hand myself. It eats you alive.

In addition, I'm also in the same position as James and Wade, albeit on a much smaller scale. As I mentioned, I also has a positive sexual experience with an adult as a young boy. But this is a secret I will have to take to my grave, at least outside of anonymous circles. Something that is so foundational in my life can never be mentioned in therapy, for example, as it would trigger a mandatory reporting process that I have no desire to go through. Thus, I remain trapped in secrets perpetually.

Ultimately, I think Michael Jackson was a complex person. For one, I think he was likely trans-age. He spoke on his desire to never grow up, and much of his plastic surgery was seemingly modeled after Peter Pan. Beyond this, his humanitarian efforts involving impoverished children totals in the hundreds of millions , and he is ranked in Guinness as one of the most prolific humanitarians. He effectively defined what it means to be a humanitarian as a performer. For me, without question, it's hard to argue that the harm Michael indirectly caused outweighed his other incredible contributions.

That being said... I think this movie has further cemented my view that child-adult sexual relationships are very unlikely to have positive outcomes in 2023. There is simply too much pressure to conform to how you're supposed to feel as a victim, for one, and the need for constant unrelenting secrecy to protect your former lover. After watching Leaving Neverland, I feel sorry for everyone involved. It's sad all around.

Michael was a victim of society, and obviously fame in his early childhood. His two boyfriends were also victims of society. Their consensual relationships were forced into secrecy, and they felt compelled to testify twice to save their friend. I think they were also subjected to bad behavior by Michael, like dropping them for new boys. However, these aspects do not seem like the primary causes of the trauma response.

One thing I will say: It's cruel to the people that have told their stories to deny that Michael Jackson was a boylover. He was obsessed with boyhood, slept with boys regularly, and was photographed kissing the boys at the very least. Anyone who thinks otherwise is simply creating a ridiculous narrative that he had to relive his childhood by hanging around and sleeping with, specifically, 7-14 year old angelic white and Latino boys. Moreover, a nude photo of Jonathan Spence, one of the boys he was frequency seen with in the early to mid 1980s, was discovered by the police in the 1993 police investigations. The evidence was inadmissible because Jonathan has denied that MJ has sex with him, despite the obvious signs that he did. Even after Michael's death, Jonathan continues to defend his old friend and the love they shared.

Look at MJ's hand on Jonathan's thigh. Does that look like a normal friendship?

Regardless, I think their love was beautiful. I also think that it was nearly impossible for things to end well. Michael's life and career was effectively ruined by being a boy lover, and the men feel genuine trauma today from these secrets they kept. I hope one day, the story doesn't have to end like how it did. We can do better, as a society. End the secrets. Legalize love.