Testimony: Non-expressed childhood sexuality

Part of NewgonWiki's accounts and testimonies project
Man-Girl | Man-Boy | Woman-Minor Minor-initiated | Among minors Nonphysical childhood sexuality Adult attraction to minors
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• Two loves that dare not speak their names by Brian Dyer in Inquisition 21, March 17, 2008.
  • "College Callgirl" on her over-protective upbringing and sexual fascination with being "molested": “Knowing where I ended up, people often want to know if I was molested as a child. I wasn't, but not for lack of trying [...] [I] quivered with anticipation when alone with an adult, breathlessly wishing and completely terrified that they would cross the line. I fantasized about someone taking advantage of me because it was the only kind of sex I could imagine being able to engage in without feeling guilty [...] My entire childhood felt like watching a pervert jerk off through the library window – me, cocooned in a place of safety and learning, looking out at the dirty, visceral realities of life, intrigued but unable to connect.”
  • Foo in comments: “Even though I was raised in a secular way and abstinence propaganda is not an issue where I live, I had the same fantasies as you did growing up. Older people using me was a constant turn on [...] As a 14 year old [boy], I tried to prostitute myself to older men to get some ‘abusive’ action, even though I'm not gay. While ease of finding customers was one reason, the fact that it was the wrong gender for me made it even more titillating. The plan fell through for various reasons, chiefly because I was scared of anybody I knew finding out. Another problem was that I could not find any good facts about whether a condom should be used also for fellatio. Now, more than ten years later, I regret that I never fulfilled my plans.”
• Marthijn Uittenbogaard

  He was attracted to men as a child "There were no sex games between the two of us, but I did (of course) fantasize about sex. In my fantasies there were boys of my own age (not my school friend though), and a girl that looks boyish (to me now, in an old school photo). I also fantasized about sex with grown-up men. What sex meant, I didn't precisely know, but growing up, the picture became more and more coloured. I hoped for a contact with a nice man, but his looks were not of much importance. What I wanted was to give him sexual pleasure. Sex is an interaction; you can also get pleasure when you give pleasure to your partner. It was a pity that I never met a 'sexual predator'."

• Sharona

  The fantasies of an 11 year old girl "I came into extreme, insistent sexual awareness at eleven [...] Teenage girls, especially young teens, in this society, are told that their sexual desire simply doesn’t exist. [...] I remember my fury, starting at twelve and continuing until the end of high school, every time this piece of drivel was trotted out. I wasn’t even thinking about having sex with anyone I knew, but I did want sex. I wanted a lot of sex, and I wanted it right then."

• Elton John

  Gay Musician, in an interview: "At school everyone boasted about sex. Meanwhile I was dying to be molested by someone. When I went to therapy, my therapist said, "I have to ask you if you were molested." And I said, "No, actually." But I was dying to be molested by someone - just to teach me, just to find out, you know?"

• An 11-year-old French boy

  The diaries of a young boy who was in love with a man are quoted from Leonid Kameneff's book Ecoliers sans tablier in an article by Edward Brongersma (PAN 3, p.26). It is not clear whether the love was sexually expressed. "In the dormitory last night - I imagined you are there. It is like this - I close my eyes and I embrace you. I caress your body all over. I love you. You do the same things to me. ... And then I fall asleep, so happy! [...] I love him. I want to prove to him all the love I feel for him. The best way I can do that is with my body. I want to make both of us weep for joy. [...] You taught me the meaning of love. I might never have known it without you. [...] You introduced me to paradise. Every Saturday I go to paradise. With you I am happy; with you I live. [...] I have never before felt so free."

• Dana M. Northcraft in A Nation Scared: Children, Sex, and the Denial of Humanity

  "I was five when I had my first orgasm. I recall having conversations with friends when I was no older than ten about that infamous "first time" we were eagerly anticipating."

• Anarchist Emma Goldman in her autobiography, Living My Life, chapter 2:

  "The first erotic sensations I remember had come to me when I was about six. [...] Among the stable help there was a young peasant, Petrushka, who served as shepherd, looking after our cows and sheep. Often he would take me with him to the meadows, and I would listen to the sweet tones of his flute. In the evening he would carry me back home on his shoulders, I sitting astride. He would play horse --- run as fast as his legs could carry him, then suddenly throw me up in the air, catch me in his arms, and press me to him. It used to give me a peculiar sensation, fill me with exultation, followed by blissful release.

  I became inseparable from Petrushka. I grew so fond of him that I began stealing cake and fruit from Mother's pantry for him. To be with Petrushka out in the fields, to listen to his music, to ride on his shoulders, became the obsession of my waking and sleeping hours. One day Father had an altercation with Petrushka, and the boy was sent away. The loss of him was one of the greatest tragedies of in child-life. For weeks afterwards I kept on dreaming of Petrushka, the meadows, the music, and reliving the joy and ecstasy of our play. One morning I felt myself torn out of sleep. Mother was bending over me, tightly holding my right hand. In an angry voice she cried: "If ever I find your hand again like that, I'll whip you, you naughty child!""