Testimony: Non-expressed childhood sexuality

• Two loves that dare not speak their names by Brian Dyer in Inquisition 21, March 17, 2008.
  • "College Callgirl" on her over-protective upbringing and sexual fascination with being "molested": “Knowing where I ended up, people often want to know if I was molested as a child. I wasn't, but not for lack of trying [...] [I] quivered with anticipation when alone with an adult, breathlessly wishing and completely terrified that they would cross the line. I fantasized about someone taking advantage of me because it was the only kind of sex I could imagine being able to engage in without feeling guilty [...] My entire childhood felt like watching a pervert jerk off through the library window – me, cocooned in a place of safety and learning, looking out at the dirty, visceral realities of life, intrigued but unable to connect.”
  • Foo in comments: “Even though I was raised in a secular way and abstinence propaganda is not an issue where I live, I had the same fantasies as you did growing up. Older people using me was a constant turn on [...] As a 14 year old [boy], I tried to prostitute myself to older men to get some ‘abusive’ action, even though I'm not gay. While ease of finding customers was one reason, the fact that it was the wrong gender for me made it even more titillating. The plan fell through for various reasons, chiefly because I was scared of anybody I knew finding out. Another problem was that I could not find any good facts about whether a condom should be used also for fellatio. Now, more than ten years later, I regret that I never fulfilled my plans.”
• Marthijn Uittenbogaard

  He was attracted to men as a child "There were no sex games between the two of us, but I did (of course) fantasize about sex. In my fantasies there were boys of my own age (not my school friend though), and a girl that looks boyish (to me now, in an old school photo). I also fantasized about sex with grown-up men. What sex meant, I didn't precisely know, but growing up, the picture became more and more coloured. I hoped for a contact with a nice man, but his looks were not of much importance. What I wanted was to give him sexual pleasure. Sex is an interaction; you can also get pleasure when you give pleasure to your partner. It was a pity that I never met a 'sexual predator'."

• Sharona

  The fantasies of an 11 year old girl "I came into extreme, insistent sexual awareness at eleven [...] Teenage girls, especially young teens, in this society, are told that their sexual desire simply doesn’t exist. [...] I remember my fury, starting at twelve and continuing until the end of high school, every time this piece of drivel was trotted out. I wasn’t even thinking about having sex with anyone I knew, but I did want sex. I wanted a lot of sex, and I wanted it right then."

• Elton John

  Gay Musician, in an interview: "At school everyone boasted about sex. Meanwhile I was dying to be molested by someone. When I went to therapy, my therapist said, "I have to ask you if you were molested." And I said, "No, actually." But I was dying to be molested by someone - just to teach me, just to find out, you know?"

• An 11-year-old French boy

  The diaries of a young boy who was in love with a man are quoted from Leonid Kameneff's book Ecoliers sans tablier in an article by Edward Brongersma (PAN 3, p.26). It is not clear whether the love was sexually expressed. "In the dormitory last night - I imagined you are there. It is like this - I close my eyes and I embrace you. I caress your body all over. I love you. You do the same things to me. ... And then I fall asleep, so happy! [...] I love him. I want to prove to him all the love I feel for him. The best way I can do that is with my body. I want to make both of us weep for joy. [...] You taught me the meaning of love. I might never have known it without you. [...] You introduced me to paradise. Every Saturday I go to paradise. With you I am happy; with you I live. [...] I have never before felt so free."

• Dana M. Northcraft in A Nation Scared: Children, Sex, and the Denial of Humanity

  "I was five when I had my first orgasm. I recall having conversations with friends when I was no older than ten about that infamous "first time" we were eagerly anticipating."