List of MAP jokes and humor

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Magazines | Podcasting/Radio | Music
Anti-MAP people | Anti-MAP quotes
"Pedophile Activism" hoaxes | Clichés
Blogger censorship | Adverse effects
Obfuscatory Terms | Analogies | Humor
Minor attraction in popular culture
High-profile people
Conflicting Statements
Commonly used arguments
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  • How many pedophiles does it take to change a light-bulb?
None, they screw in playgrounds, not light-bulbs.
  • I was surprised clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of pedophiles.
So I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.
  • A little girl takes her dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned.
The man, who is a little deaf, says, “Come again?”
The girl blushes and replies, “No, it’s yoghurt this time.”
  • A little girl goes into Santa’s grotto and sits on his lap.
Santa says, “Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas, my dear?”
She replies, “Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!”
Santa says, “Would a big white beard be okay?”
  • I was sat outside with the wife when this blonde, big-boobed lady walked past with her little girl.
“Stop perving” sneered the wife, “I wasn’t” I protested “I was looking at her mum”
  • A little girl goes into a barber’s shop and stands next to the chair eating a cake.
“You’ll get hair on your muffin,” the barber tells the girl.
“Yes,” she replies, “and I’ll get tits too!”
  • I was sat in the pub with my mate:
I said, “I got sacked from the primary school today.”
He said, “Why?”
I said, “I was doing something illegal and one of the children told their parents.”
He said, “Fucking kids.”
I said, “No, stealing stationery this time.”
  • Three priests are out taking three choirboys fishing, when the boat starts to sink.
“We’ve got to save the boys!” screams the first priest.
“Fuck the boys!” roars the second.
The third looks nervously at the water flooding the boat and asks “Do you think we’ve got time?”
  • Little Tracy comes home one day and tells her mom, “granddad gave me a cookie today, and all I had to do was climb up the flag pole.”
Her mother replied, “Oh, I know all about that little game. He just wants to see your panties. Don’t do it anymore.”
The next day little Tracy comes home and says, “granddad gave me cookie for climbing up the flag pole again.”
Her mother, mortified says, “Oh Tracy, why didn’t you listen to me when I told you he just wants to see your panties?”
Tracy replied, “But I did mom! This time I wasn’t wearing any!”
Progress
  • How do you circumcise a Catholic priest?
Kick a choir-boy in the chin.
  • Why does the Catholic Church protect pedophiles?
Because the last time they kicked one out, he started Islam.
  • The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening.
“And what name have you given this little boy?” asked the priest.
“It’s a girl,” said the father out of the side of his mouth. “You’ve got hold of my thumb!”
  • When I was a kid I was very ill in hospital and Gary Glitter came to visit me.
I was touched.
  • I was so proud when I saw my son getting his first blowjob.
It brought a lump to the back of my throat.
  • A little boy called Jonny has tourettes. He’s 8 years old, and one day when he goes to school they are learning the alphabet.
Teacher: ‘Can anyone think of a word beginning with A?’
Jonny puts his hand up straight away, but the teacher know he’ll swear so she picks a girl called Julie.
Julie: ‘Apple Miss’
Teacher: ‘Well done, anyone got a word for the letter B?’
Jonny’s hand is up straight away, but she picks Dan knowing that Jonny will swear.
Dan: ‘Butter Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Well done, what about C?’
Jonny, yet again, puts his hand up straight away but the teacher still decides to choose someone else, Hannah.
Hannah: ‘Cup Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Well done. D?’
The teacher sees Jonny and thinks what can he say that is bad for D? So she picks Jonny.
Jonny: ‘Duck, Miss.’
Teacher: ‘Ohh, well done Jonny.’
Jonny: ‘With big fucking bollocks’.
Horse trauma
  • My girlfriend cuddled up to me after sex. “Have you ever thought about… you know… children?” she asked.
“Fuck!” I thought. “How does she know?”
  • “Even though little Jenny is only 11,” I said to her mother and father at parents’ evening, “she’s already reading to the standard of a 16 year old.”
“We’re so proud!” said her father. “We always knew she was advanced for her age.”
“Well, then,” I said, “you’re going to love her sex education report.”
  • I was down the pub last night and Gary Glitter came on the jukebox.
Maybe I shouldn’t have put on St Winifred’s School Choir.
  • There’s an advent calendar for pedophiles.
Its the same as any other calendar, but it’s just got smaller flaps.
  • Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 19 and I’m 40.
It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
  • Why do pedophiles never win gold medals?
They always come in a little behind.
  • Kids these days, they have it so easy.
There weren't as many pedophiles in my day. I had to buy my own candy.
  • A man approached a little girl in the park
He asked her if she could help him find his puppy.
“No way!” she said. “My mummy told me about people like you.”
“What do you mean?” he protested. “I really can’t find my puppy and I need your help. It’s terrible how parents’ minds have been so poisoned by the gutter press that they end up teaching their children that all adults are child sex perverts!”
“Oh, OK.” she said. “What kind of puppy is he?
“He’s a sausage dog,” he said, “……….and I think he’s hiding down my underpants.”
Freudian
  • I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now… I reached for my youngest daughter’s top – it came off with little resistance. Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor. Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her ‘My Little Pony’ panties I could feel they were already really, really damp…
Anyway, I’d better finish getting the rest of the washing in – it’s raining and my Parkinson’s isn’t making it any easier.
  • How many pedophiles does it take to change a light-bulb?
I don’t know – my wife is more concerned why I don’t hire an electrician instead.
  • You know you’re a pedo when:
you meet a Yummy Mummy and you’re more interested in the ‘Mummy’ than the ‘Yummy’,
you think Emma Watson is at her hottest in the first Harry Potter film,
the children’s clothing department is more of a turn-on than a sex shop,
you have to lie to explain why there’s a pair of ‘Dora The Explorer’ panties in your underwear drawer,
you know the names of all the My Little Ponies but don’t know who Angelina Jolie is,
you have to separate the pages in your copy of ‘Lolita’ with a knife,
you take the long route home just so you can get stuck in the end-of-school traffic outside the local primary school.
  • How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
With a crow-bar
  • I’m testing a new font that only pedophiles can read.
How’s it working so far?
  • A teacher is teaching her first grade class when she detects the stink of urine.
She looks around and finds little Jane sitting in a puddle of pee.
“Oh Jane!” the teacher says despondently. “Why didn’t you put your hand up instead?”
Jane replies, “I did, but the pee ran through my fingers.”
  • “Hello this is the blood bank, how can I help?”
“I’d like to book an appointment for myself, my wife and my daughter, please”
“Okay sir, just a couple of questions: have you ever had anal sex?”
“Why? Can’t you give blood if you’ve had anal sex?”
“No sir.”
“I’d like to book an appointment for my wife, please.”
At least they drive slowly...
  • Why do pedophiles love golf?
Because every hole except one is under 18
  • I was out golfing by myself and I was having a rough day. Hook this, and shank that, it was horrible. But then on the 4th hole I was selecting my club when out of nowhere I heard “5 iron, 5 iron” I looked around and couldn’t see anyone yet I heard it again ” 5 iron, 5 iron” I thought, what the hell, I’ll try the 5 iron. Well to my surprise I hit the ball right to the green.
The next hole I heard the same little voice say “3 wood, 3 wood”. I finally had to find the source so I started towards the sound. It was coming from the bushes. Upon parting the leaves I noticed a frog. A talking frog! I picked it up and took it with me. It told me the right club choice on every hole.
Then the frog said “take me home, take me home” so I took the frog home with me. When we got to my home the frog said “bedroom, bedroom” so I brought it to the bedroom. As we were lying in bed the frog said “kiss me, kiss me” I thought, no, I’m not kissing a frog but it said it again “kiss me, kiss me. So I kissed it and it changed into a human
And that, your honor, is how the 12yo girl ended up in my bed.
  • What do Playstation and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both get turned on by kids.
  • What’s great about twenty six year olds?
There’s twenty of them.
  • Say what you want about pedophiles...
But at least they drive slow through school zones.
  • You know you’re a pedophile when:
your idea of a date is lunch at Mcdonalds followed by watching a Disney film,
you pick up your girlfriend from Elementary school,pedos-in-space
someone accuses you of being ‘gay’ and you feel relieved,
you’re jealous of Justin Bieber,
you shelve your copy of ‘Lolita’ with its spine facing the wall,
you’re more paranoid about your “stash” than a drug addict,
you prefer two 8 year olds to one 16 year old,
everyone on your facebook page is going on about santa coming,
you prefer to watch Home Alone when you’re home alone,
you hope you’ll get some ‘Penis Reduction’ junk mail in your inbox,
America Moment
  • My girlfriend came home the other day saying that people were saying that I was a pedophile.
I told her “whoa, slow down honey – that’s an awfully big word for a 7 year old.”
  • A little boy is walking down the road and finds a pair of welders goggles.
He thinks to himself, “these look smart,” and puts them on.
A pedophile in a car pulls up alongside the kid and the bloke says, “do you know anything about blowing cocks?”
The kid says, “no, sorry.”
He then asks, “what about masturbation?”
And again the kid says, “no, sorry.”
The bloke, getting quite turned on now, asks, “what about sodomy and bondage?”
The kid says, “look, I’m not really a welder, I only found these…..”
  • When I was a kid I thought it was a good idea to go to a Gary Glitter concert.
I am not sure what came over me.
  • pedophile Pete is walking down the street and he runs into one of his buddies. His buddy says, “hey, Pete, was that your new girlfriend I saw you with the other day?”
Peter, looking somewhat embarrassed and shamed, says “yeah.”
His buddy says, “how old is she?”
Looking even more shame-faced, Pete replies, “nine.”
His buddy says, “isn’t that a little old for you?”.
Pete says, “yeah, but she’s got the body of a six year old!”
  • Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty little girls live.
  • You were a beautiful blond sitting across from me on the delayed 11.42 Manchester to London train (15/11/09), you had caught my eye on the platform laughing wearing a pink backpack and a gold headband. We exchanged glances several times and I was finding it hard not to stare, I wanted to talk to you and hoped we could swap details I just lost my nerve and before I knew it we’d arrived and you were disappearing into St Pancras Underground. I know it’s a long shot but if you see this please get in touch, I’d love it if we could meet up sometime.
PS I’ve got your colouring book, you left it on the train.
  • I think we have to forgive Rolf Harris, simply because he’s such an amazing man.
For example on Animal Hospital I once saw him cure a young boy’s pet snake in under 2 minutes, and all he got the boy to do was stroke it under the blanket until it was sick.
Go fuck a child, pedo!
  • Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground.
The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, “Aahhh… A seven-year-old girl.”
The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, “No, no … Definitely an eight-year-old girl!”
The two men are taking turns smelling them and arguing. “An eight-year-old!”, “No, a seven-year-old!”, “Definitely an eight-year-old!” …. and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can’t help but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
“Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ……… but not from my parish!”
  • My 10 year old brother got busted stealing from my porn stash. And everybody got so mad at him.
But I said, "Leave him alone, at least he is into girls of his own age".
  • My mum got really angry with me the other night after I was tickling my brother's feet.
She said, "At least wait until he is born".
  • My wife said to me, “I’ve just heard some great news, apparently the police have worked out who the local pedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight.”
I said, “That’s brilliant news. Let’s celebrate by moving to Australia.”
  • After recent earthquakes in Italy, 10 priests who were having a meeting in a church when it collapsed on them found themselves at the Pearly Gates. St Peter addressed them. “If any of you have pedo tendencies then you can leave now, go to hell!” 9 of the priests turn and begin to walk away. St Peter calls them back, “Hey, take your deaf friend with you…”
Chester The Molester (Dwaine Tinsley)
  • I was walking home from the shops yesterday when this cute little girl came running out from her garden.
“Please mister, can you help shave my pussy?” she asked.
As luck would have it, I was just coming back from the chemists so I whipped out my Wilkinson Sword razor, pulled her pants down and gave her little motty a ‘number one’ all over.
“There you go sweet cheeks” I said. “What do you think?”
“It was nice, mishter… but Marmalade is shtill in the tree”.
  • I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, “Son, what are you doing up here all alone?”
He replied, with tears in his eyes, “My mum’s down there at the bottom. She fell!”
“That’s terrible!” I said. “And your dad?”
“He’s down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!”
“That’s awful!” I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
“Son, today just isn’t your day.”
  • When I worked at PC World, Gary Glitter asked me to wipe his computer’s memory.
It took me almost a whole box of tissues.
  • Rolf Harris is set to appeal and will be tried again in front of a jury of children.
His lawyers are confident that he will get off.
  • Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a pedophile, but you just haven’t met the right child yet?
  • How many pedophiles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Unknown. They all keep trying to comfort the little girl who’s scared of the dark rather than replacing the burnt out bulb.
  • How many little girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
  • Ever wonder where people got their surnames?
Mr Baker was probably a baker.
Mr Butcher was probably a butcher.
And then there was Mr Dickinson....
“Hey, is it considered molestation if the child makes the first move? I’m gonna need a quick answer on this.”[1]
  • This couple had an excellent relationship going until one day he came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was leaving him and she told him that she had heard awful things about him.
“What could they possibly have said to make you move out?”
“They told me that you were a pedophile.”
He replied, “Wow honey, I’m so proud of you! That’s a mighty big word for a six year old.”
  • What’s a pedophile’s favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the first period.
  • The pedophile skipped breakfast but grabbed a little something on his way to work.
  • Could YOU be living next door to a pedophile?
Not me! I live next door to two sexy ten year olds.
  • Why is a pedophile like a tortoise?
Because he gets there before the hare.
  • Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies.
Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.
  • A pedophile stops two 10 year old girls in the forest. He says to them kindly:
“Girls I’ll give you each a sweet if I can touch your hair.”
The two girls look at each other and they say that’s fine. He gives them the sweets and strokes their hair.
“I’ll give you two more sweets, if I can stroke your shoulders.”
The two girls say fine, he gives them the sweets, and strokes their shoulder. Then he says:
“I’ll give you two more sweets if I can stroke your backs.”
The two girls look at each other and one says to the other:
“By the time he fucks us, we’ll be diabetic.”
  • If Santa isn’t a pedophile he is wasting a massive opportunity.
  • My friend accused me of being a pedophile earlier.
“How dare you?” I shouted. “I only said your daughter looked hot and asked if she wanted an ice cream!”
“Maybe so,” he replied, “but you said those two things ten minutes apart…”
  • Being a pedophile can be risky.
Sometimes it can be touch and go.
  • What’s the worst thing about being a pedophile?
You just can’t fit in.
  • Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a virgin these days?
Getting them away from the preschool.
Sir Jimmy
  • A man is accused of child molestation, however he is let go, when the child was asked if the man did good touch or bad touch, she said GREAT touch.
  • Pedophiles aren’t all bad. At least they slow down in school zones.
  • A student came by my office, closed the door and told me she’d be willing to do anything at all, emphasis on *anything* to get a better grade.
So we did a bit of the old in-out, although I felt slightly bad for not telling her that there’s no grades in preschool.
  • I went to get a prescription for birth control for my 12 year old daughter, and the doctor asked if she was already sexually active.
I told him not really, she pretty much just lies there like her mother.
  • I told my girlfriend that I am a pedophile. She took it well and said she already knew.
“How did you know?”
“Because I’m seven.”
  • A man comes home to find his wife crying and packing her bags. “What wrong, honey?” he asked her. “I’m going home to mother!” she shouted. “Why? What’s the matter?” :“I found out you’re a… a… you’re a PEDOPHILE!” she shouted. “My,” he said, impressed, “that’s an awfully big word for a 10 year old!”
  • Why is Michael Jackson having sex like a McDonald’s hamburger?
Twenty-year-old meat and eight-year-old buns.
  • Why is Halloween a pedophile’s favorite holiday?
Free delivery.
  • It’s hard to believe sometimes, but the Internet is over twenty-five years old. It seems like it was only yesterday I saw my first online porn… and to think, some of those girls will be nearly thirty now!
  • My wife was so upset when she saw our daughter in a leather bikini top, a short skirt just barely covering her butt, fishnet stockings, and stiletto heels.
She turned to me and said, “That’s the last time I let you dress her for kindergarten!”
  • My girlfriend and I have been together about 6 months now. The other night after sex she leaned in close and said, “Honey, I’ve been having some… you know… thoughts about… well, about kids. How do you feel about them?” she asked.
Wow, I thought, what luck — she’s a pedo, too!
Sick fuck
  • I was sitting at the bar last December, and the bartender asked if I was looking forward to Christmas.
“Not really… this will be my first holiday without the kids,” I said.
“Ahh, they’re all grown up and out in the world on their own, yeah? That ’empty nest’ can certainly be difficult.”
“No, man — you don’t understand!” I explained. “My wife made me delete all of my porn!”
  • I divorced my wife because she loves sex in the afternoon.
You might not think it’s a big deal, but it really hurt when my daughter said that the best hours of her day were between the end of school and when I got home from work…

External links

Notes

  1. ↑ Sarah Silverman defends resurfaced tweet on child molestation
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